NASH TO ENTER GAMBLING REHAB

CITED FOR BEATING FAMILY PET AFTER BAD BEAT

Orlando, FL (AP) While preparing for a poker trip to Vegas, College Park resident Martin 'Smoke' Nash recently was arrested and charged with animal cruelty after losing a tournament on a popular gambling website. The victim is in stable condition at a local dog-pampering salon.

"It would really be inappropriate to comment at this juncture," said Jose Cortes, the lawyer for Nash. "I think it is best to let the court system run its course, and at the conclusion, I would hope you will report on the innocence of Mr. Nash as vigorously as you have reported these charges. Good day."

Based upon the police report and eyewitnesses, Nash had entered a 6 person, $6 tourney, referred to as a Sit-N-Go in the degenerate gambling community. After flopping three kings, Martin slow played his hand, allowing PartyPoker member Take_Your_Money_And_Bang_Your_Wife to chase a 8-high straight, which was secured on the river, or fifth card. Nash then went all in, which was quickly matched by Take_Your_Money_ And_Bang_Your_Wife. After seeing the results, Nash punched his dog in the snout.

"It was not because of poker," said Nash. "The dog chewed up a Diaper Genie three months ago, and I finally got around to punishing her."

As seen in the picture, Madison lost half a leg and a good portion of her scalp in the melee. It is unknown if canines can grow back limbs like lizards.

Christy Nash, the bride of Martin Nash, defended his husbands actions.

"An eight-high straight? Are you kidding me? It is not his fault, it is the dog's fault," said Mrs. Nash. "But maybe we need to get his temper looked at."

Nash said he plans on getting his anger management looked at as soon as he gets back from his September 15th trip to Vegas to play in poker tournaments.

"When the cards are right, all problems to away," said Nash. "When they are wrong, I maim animals. It is who I am. I accept that."

NOTES

Limo arrangements have been made for the Vegas 8, as many in Las Vegas are referring to Jeremy Phipps, Pat Venable, Fred Chesney, Eric Goldman, Marty Nash, Erik Bleeker, Jason Butts and Nate Stewart.

Dinner for one evening is still up in the air, as some may want to skip a formal sit down and instead wolf down a Whopper between shoe shuffling. Some think Sunday night may be the best night, as everyone can exchange war stories. Others don't think at all.

Chris Tucker was spotted doing a sound check at the Flamingo Las Vegas on Wednesday afternoon, before meeting with Harrah's officials. Later, he did a special guest walk-on during George Wallace's show, after "Dreamgirls" star Jennifer Holliday opened.

NEW HUMAN ON EARTH

(Entry guest written by Beef's daughter, 9.5 month old VP)

Orlando, FL (AP)- Paparazzi and local security have their hands full today as Baby AB was born Friday morning amid pomp and circumstance generally reserved for heads of state.

"Mother and daughter are doing really great," said Daddy. "Mother and daughter are doing really great. Mother and daughter are doing really great."

Daddy then fell asleep standing up after the 18 hour labor.

"Things are really bright out here, and I really miss my jump rope that was in my mommy," said AB. When asked what she was referring to, AB clarified.

"I used the umbilical cord as a jump rope. While in the womb, I read a story regarding the importance of infant health," remarked the fresh little bundle of love.

Fans and stalkers of the family left flowers and notes of congratulations on the dead spot of grass outside the Tudor-style mansion in the trendy College Park section of Orlando.

"We are going to bury the placenta under the dead spot on the lawn, and hopefully it will help provide some needed nutrients that Scott's and Amdro were unable to provide," mumbled a sleepy Dad. "Or we may grill it out. Have not really decided. Tom Cruise is a beacon of light in our family. "

Stay tuned for updates at the situation develops.

VP is a regional acclaimed blogger and pooper, and loves chewing on either a remote control or her dad's ear in her spare time.

HEAT WIN! HEAT WIN!

How happy am I that the Heat defeated the Mavs in six games? I like both teams, but somewhere, in a seedy West Hollywood hotel, Kobe Bryant is dumping quarters into a vibrating bed while drowning his sorrows with a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. I wonder if he is frustrated he does not posess the class or unselfishness D-Wade has shown the entire season.

Kobe needs to quit imitating Jordan. It is annoying and juvenile. He is a good player, but that is about it. He is close to joining the realm of Marbury and Stevie Franchise of good players who play on crappy teams. Kobe, raise your bottle of MD 20/20 to Shaq, because without him, you are another Vince Carter.

BUTTS SIGNS HIS PLEDGE SHEET

Tampa, FL (AP) Shock and despair have been replaced by awe and joy today in Palm Harbor, FL as Jason Butts has purchased his plane ticket to Las Vegas for the September Football Weekend.

"I am so unbelievably happy," said Butts as a sea of confetti and champagne showered down onto the band playing behind him. "Without the help from Arty Nash and Smoke Stewart this would not have been possible."

Although Butts planned on waiting to purchase his ticket until a couple weeks before the trip, a situation materialized early Wednesday morning that called for immediate attention. Stewart emailed Butts the secret codeword 'Tsetse Fly' over the weekend, thus confirming the availability of an offer too good to pass up.

Butts will fly into Atlanta from Tampa, meet the guys in a Crown Room, drink heavily, and will be left behind as he takes out the next flight to Vegas. The option of flying standby with the rest of the group still exists, and will be handled at the situation develops.

"Today was a really big day for Football Weekend, LLC," said Arty Nash. "We got one of the guys we had targeted during the combine. His stats and workout just blew us away. Seeing him in just his banana hammock answered a lot of questions I had. A lot of questions. A lot of really big questions. Okay, whoops I am married. Bad Arty. Bad."

"It is one thing to look good in shirts and shorts," said Stewart. "But he had better bring his A-game in September. Nothing will be handed to him. He is going to have to earn his spot like everyone else, but he is like a Summer's Eve in my mouth every 28 days.

"I get so weak in the knees I can hardly breathe, I lose control, they knocked me right off of my feet," hummed Butts. "I know that is a SWV (Sista's Wit Voices) song, but I get this flood of emotions. It is like menopause but without pausing. More like a meno-slowmotion."

The Group of Six (Nash, Phipps, Goldmann, Chesny, Butts & Stewart) will now focus their considerable energy on recruiting three targeted free agents to fill out the roster. They are as follows in alphabetical order:

Erik Bleeker, 6'4" 180 lbs University of Florida
Tons of upside, possesses raw energy. Off the poker table problems have haunted him, but he seems to have turned the corner. Expected to commit to FW, LLC within the next week. Lower back problems have nagged him throughout his career.

Jose Cortes, 5'1" 108 lbs University of Miami
Targeted early in the signing period, Cortes sometimes rhymes slow and sometimes rhymes quick and it sweeter and thicker than a choco stick. This, combined with his talent in legal matters, caught FW, LLC's attention from the get go. Also being recruited as a Latin horse jockey, but has problems staying under 110 pounds.

Jon Skelly, 6'0" 176 lbs Duke University
An underclassman in his first year at Duke, he has toyed with the idea of leaving early to sign his pro contract. Oh, wait, he already signed a contract in which the management of FW, LLC is waiting for him to honor (please see attached). Can go on little or no sleep at a moment's notice. Adept at smuggling liquor on board commercial airliner's and smoothing over flustered flight attendants.

News and Notes

FW, LLC will be forming an exploratory committee for possible hotels for the weekend. Candidates include, but are not limited to, the Flamingo, Paris, Bally's and the dark horse Venetian, which can be obtained for as little as $240 a night.

Director of Hospitality Arty Nash is accepting nominations for dining establishments for Saturday the 16th. Please contact him with your suggestions.

Consigliere Jeremy Phipps will be on hand on Sunday at the Las Vegas Hilton should you desire to kiss his ring. Please include the mandatory envelope with cash.

Vegas in 90 Days

Heading to Vegas in September. Gawd bless that place. Eight of us are heading out for college football on Saturday and NFL on Sunday, with various forms of gambling mixed in between.

This site is great to do your homework on. Flamingo is where we will be only because we swung some free hotel rooms...

Welcome to the Balistic Diaper!

Welcome to my new blog, the world famous Balistic Diaper. I don't really want to set any expectations with this, but please visit early and visit often to see what gets my blood boiling!